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If I Were
President George W. Bush's Speech Writer. By Mitchell R. Robb
Good evening my fellow
Americans.
First, I want to pass on my condolences to the people of New York and all Americans that
are hurting in this tragic time. You can rest assured that anything and everything that
can be done to assure the safety of our country will be done. This is the greatest country
in the world and we will get through this trying time.
Now is the time for all people to set aside our petty differences and show the world that
no one or nothing can destroy the fortitude of the American people. To the people
responsible for today's tragedy, I say this: Are you fucking kidding me? Have you gone too
long without a bath? Do you not know who you are fucking with?
Americans are so hungry to kill that we shoot at each other every day. We will relish that
opportunity for new targets for our aggression. Have you forgotten history? What happened
to the last people that started fucking around with us? Remember the little bastards over
in Japan? We slapped them all over the Pacific and roasted about 2 million of them in
their own back yard. That's what we in America call a big ass barbecue.
Ever seen Texas on a map? Ever wonder why it's so big? Because we wanted it that way,
Mexico started jacking around with the Alamo and now they cut our lawns. England? We sent
them packing. Ask your buddy Saddam about fucking with the good 'ole USA. The only reason
he got away the first time is because it's too hard to shoot someone when you're doubled
over laughing at them. Our soldiers aren't trained to laugh and shoot at the same time.
Now he couldn't stop a pack of cub scouts from taking over his shitty little country.
Trust us, Afghanistan will end up a giant kitty litter box.
Go ahead and try to hide, Bin Laden. There's not a hole deep enough or a mountain high
enough that's going to keep your ass safe. We will bomb every inch of the country that
harbors him, his camps and any place that looks and even smells like he was there. Hell,
we might even drop a few bombs on people that have pissed us off in the past. This is
America. We kick ass. This is what we do. Go ahead and laugh now, but the Tomahawks are
coming and we will smoke your sorry asses.
God bless America!
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